Below is the prologue from 2nd draft of my epic fantasy novel. The title itself is still tentative and may certainly be changed. I plan to share more of the story soon, but I'm not sure yet if it will be Chapter 1 or something else. If all goes well, I'm hoping to have the story ready so I can send out queries by mid-year.
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Prologue
An unnamed man sat casually in the corner of a busy tavern in the large seaport of Corlea—the windows dark with night. An untouched mug of ale adorned his table—dripping in condensation and dimly lit by the orange glow of burning wall sconces. Sitting as far from the revelry as possible he is lost in shadow wearing a black cloak that covered his face and body in darkness. The air is filled with raucous noise, as the sailors on leave sing discordant but merry, drunken tunes. They sway with their song, their mugs in the air, while others spin and jump about. A mix of other customers fill the scattered tables, and long bar; while a flutist plays along, sitting on the hearth of the fireplace.
A softly moving finger arced back and forth as the black-cloaked man appeared to keep tune with the sea shanties. But the man is actually imagining dancing among the drunken mass, his slim dagger held in reverse along his forearm, as he slits their throats to musical accompaniment. Swirling around their falling bodies, a shadow of death, content to hear them cease their abandonment.
He smiled broadly at the thought, though the expression did not touch his eyes. Any that would be foolish enough to consider him jovial would be sadly mistaken.
Into the tavern rolled a man of large girth and short stature clothed in silk and jewels. As out of place in the rowdy tavern as a fish out of water. He scanned the room with small eyes set in a pudgy face, his nose twitching at the smell. He placed one finger to his sparse mustache at the olfactory offense, just below the nose—though the gesture was without effect. Far below his standards, yet he is there, seeking someone. The light from the room picked up the rich maroon color of his clothes, though fine, they are soiled in places from greasy foods and sweets.
Seeing the black-cloaked man in the corner he gave a slight start, then relaxed. Searching the rest of the room he made his decision and waddled forward on short legs. Reaching the table, the richly attired man cleared his throat with nervous authority.
The man remained sitting with his hand upon the table, the finger waiving still. Without looking up at the newcomer he spoke with a curious accent, "Sit, Corbin Phallish."
Eyes shifting back and forth, the man called Corbin corrected hesitantly, "That would be Lord Corbin Phallish, good sir."
"You will be called what I choose, now sit," though there was no anger in the voice, it was all said with such conviction and confidence that the self-proclaimed Lord quickly grabbed a chair and flopped down—issuing forth a creaking protest of wood in the process.
"And what is your name good sir?" asked Corbin quietly as his eyes shifted nervously, worried about being overheard. Though in the noisy din of the tavern no one could have heard them at the next table—several paces away.
The unnamed man shook his head slightly, "No name needed Phallish, if we need to meet again, I will find you."
Corbin looked unhappy, but decided against complaint with the dangerous looking man, "So you say that you have a proposition for me?"
The man looked at Corbin in the eyes and said slowly, "One you can not refuse. You know who I represent."
Corbin nodded warily.
"You know that there is no fighting us."
Corbin nodded again, "Never wanted to get tied up in the whole thing to begin with. Always knew things could be arranged. Dormir and his grandiose plans were far too patriotic for me," his smile was irritatingly ingratiating. "So what is it that you want me to do?"
"Nothing much will be asked of you, or the others. It will be easy work, from which you can only benefit."
"There are...others?"
"We work with many, Phallish. You didn’t think that we were only seeking to work with you?"
"No, of - of course not," though it was clear that Corbin had not thought of others at all.
Ignoring Corbin’s short-sightedness the unnamed man cut to the point, "You just came from the conference. You have orders to wait on a ship of engineers and escort them to Stronghold if there is a siege."
Corbin dropped his jaw in surprise, amazed that the man knew what had happened just minutes ago in a secret conference organized by General Zakea Dormir and yet had managed somehow to arrive to the tavern first; sitting idly while he waited for Corbin. Any doubt of his authenticity was now gone from Corbin’s mind.
The unnamed man continued, "You will not do that. You will take the engineers and hole up in your keep. You will stay there and give no aid in finances or other to any of the Molroun rebels."
"Your information, is uh, incredibly accurate. I think this can be all arranged, but what if I refuse?" Corbin’s daring words lost their effect as he squeaked out the last in nervousness at the man’s nearly—but not quite—hidden expression.
Sweating under that stare, Corbin abandoned the question, "Uh, well, but - but what about my recompense?"
The unnamed man replied, "You will get to live and keep your land."
Blanching, Corbin continued on, "Of course, but my good sir, I take on great risk to accomplish this, and it will be very difficult. To - to impede the war effort I must risk the name of my family, my fortune and my armies. I could lose everything in this. I must also arrange for all of the complicated changes in my towns and villages to make sure that profits are not going to the war, and that we are upholding our end of the bargain to an absolute," at the last Corbin smiled, as if he was showing how very good of a business partner he would be, if only the man would agree to some of his requests.
The man said nothing.
Continuing nervously, while Corbin’s fingers plucked at the short hairs of his mustache, he began to outline what he should be given in exchange for his assistance.
The black-cloaked man’s nose flared in insult as he thought to himself while the pig named Corbin prattled on, ‘He disgusts me with his gluttonous sweat and fearful stink. He is like swine, plumped up for the slaughter, but none I would like to eat. He sits across the table from me wheedling, desiring, wanting more and more and more. He wants assurances of safety, he wants money, he want, he wants, he wants... I am close, but not quite ready to lean across and slit his jowels with a second smile, stand up and leave. But that is not my job...not yet.’
Finally he said, "Enough! You will get nothing more than your land and your life," but to forestall more of the incessant whining from the man he pulled out a small pouch and pushed it across the table into Corbin’s hands.
Corbin pulled the drawstring loose and peered secretly inside. Smiling at the sight of precious gems and golden coins he closed it swiftly and stashed it away, "Surely there is–"
The unnamed man scowled as he interrupted, his tone dangerous, "Any more land or riches you wish, you must take on your own. If you do well, you may...be further rewarded."
Corbin gulped down the rest of what he had to say. Though he looked like he wanted to protest, he seemed to decide against it and nodded his head unhappily. Thinking to himself how he could take advantage of that permission when the time was right instead.
"We’re done here, do not disappoint. I, or another, will contact you again. We will be watching," with that the man rose and left.
Corbin stared after the man’s back, which slipped too quickly out of sight amidst the press of customers.
Touching the pouch of gems and coins, he smiled at the weight of it—a small fortune in itself. Swallowing dryly, Corbin looked at the sweat beaded mug of ale. Still full, though most of its head had disappeared. His mouth and throat were so parched, he had sat through the whole conference with little more than plain water to drink. Unable to stand the stuff, Corbin had abstained and the low-class but incredibly wet-looking mug beckoned to him. Reaching out quickly he picked up the mug and put it to his lips. It was little better than swill to a man of his taste, but it was better than nothing. With the full pocket of jewels he would reward himself better that night. Gulping down the contents quickly he rose and waddled his way through the press of bodies and out into the night, a smile on his lips and a dribble of ale on his chin.
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The unnamed man walked down the alley backing the tavern, glad to be away from the detestable Lord of Phallish Keep. The man would do as he had wanted, he had no doubt. He might look in on Corbin from time to time to make sure his own stupidity did not change things, but for now he needed to set up a meeting with another.
The man passed swiftly through the back alleys of Corlea, heading to his destination. Located at the Southernmost tip of Molroun the bustling seaport was a center of influence. In a land without central leadership it allowed those of different backgrounds to come together peacefully and discuss how to find common ground. But any large city had its unsavory sections, no matter how prosperous it was. Despite this the unnamed man walked without concern—comfortable in what would be considered by many to be a dangerous area of town. Awash in the smell of garbage and old urine, the man passed through a long and narrow alley—the sleeping spots of beggars vacant as they tried to find a few more coins for the day.
The unnamed man stopped suddenly and turned around in the silent alley to face the way he had come, devoid of all life...except for three men clothed darkly and stepping lightly that had been following in the distance. The unnamed man faced them without concern or surprise, waiting.
The three were skilled trackers, and had not made any noise, yet the unnamed man had obviously heard them. Now he stood watching them from under his hooded cloak. Glancing amongst themselves in confusion at the discovery, there was an exchange of nods, the three men then walked closer. They needed information and if it could not be gleaned by stealth it would be found by force. Pulling weapons free from concealment they faced the unarmed and unnamed man with two short and agile-looking swords and a small crossbow among them.
They walked to within a few paces of the black-cloaked man and stopped. The man with the crossbow stood in the rear, his weapon trained on their target, while the others had their swords at the ready. The tracker in front addressed the unnamed man quickly and without pretense, "Why did you meet with Lord Phallish at the tavern? What did you speak of?"
The unnamed man gave no reply, his eyes were the only thing that moved as he looked over the trackers. Several moments stretched out quietly. The trackers shifted their feet and moved their weapons, feeling a sense of foreboding.
The one in front shared a look with his fellows before turning back, "Look, if you don’t tell us—"
But he never finished as the black-cloaked man lunged forward faster than should have been possible. The tracker dropped his mouth in surprise but brought his sword around quickly—with skill. The unnamed man batted the weapon to the side with his arm, a metallic ring evident of a bracer hidden by his clothing, grabbed the man’s other hand holding a dagger and crushed it with an iron grip—emitting a gasp of pain from the tracker. The crossbowman rushed forward as his target was obscured, the other man moved quickly forward as well. But they were too late as the unnamed man grabbed the front trackers surprised head and twisted with a loud cracking. Grasping the body, he flung it through the air with unnatural strength to slam into the crossbowman and send him flying into the wall and a pile of garbage on the ground.
The remaining swordsman didn’t blink as he flung a dagger from his belt at the attacker. It spun through the air with precision, but was caught mid-flight with a deft hand. Without expression the black-cloaked man flung it back to drop the swordsman with a thud.
The remaining tracker staggered to his feet, reloaded his crossbow with quick hands, and ran backwards as he trained it on the man and fired. The bolt flew true at its target but missed as the man twisted to the side, then jumped the remaining dozen paces to the shock of the tracker and threw him into the wall with force.
The crossbow fell to the ground and cracked, as the last tracker—dropping to hands and knees— shook his head in a daze. Grabbing him by the throat with one hand, the unnamed man pushed him up against the wall—grunting in protest, the tracker sought breath desperately in sputters and gasps. Eyes wide, and blood running from his scalp, he forced out, "Who - are - you?"
The unnamed man tilted his head in amusement and replied, "You know who I am..." as he silenced the last of the three.
The above excerpt is © 2010 Clifton Hill, all rights reserved.
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So far this story is around 105k words, which means a little over 300 book-sized pages. It's been a ton of fun to write and I can't wait to finish it up and send it out. Though this section is pretty well figured out in my mind, there is always a potential for change, and certainly a need to iron out grammar and other strangeness.
I hope you enjoyed reading. Please let me know what you think, and share the link to this page with your friends.
Here's my take.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the portion in italics reads more like back cover copy than prologue, mostly because it's infodump. I'd take it out (and use it somewhere else, like the back cover) and just start with a scene.
I'm not going to comment on punctuation, because all of that is easily fixed. Just know that you have a comma out of place here and there, but I wouldn't worry about it for now. (It doesn't make the piece unreadable)
Prologues are tricky because they aren't always necessary. As a vehicle to get an idea how you write, I think it works in this case. You've introduced me to a world without throwing too many terms or location names at me, and you managed to keep an unnamed character interesting as the focus throughout. I am curious to see what happens next, which is always a good test of competency.
The only other thing I'd have to say is that I'm not sure whether the prologue is 3rd Person Omnipotent or whether you actually have a shifting viewpoint. I like that you got inside the heads of both characters, because they're both interesting, but this can be jarring to some readers. Does the rest of the book shift viewpoint in this way?
Hope that helps. Looks good so far.
Thanks for your notes T.D. I've actually been thinking about that italicized portion too. Wondering if I really need to preface the story that much with setting and the conflict, or just dive into character and story. I was realizing that there is more mystery by leaving it off of the beginning and I am greatly considering it.
ReplyDeleteGrammar is certainly not my strong point, but it is also not a final draft, so I'll be working on that (and getting help) towards the end. I am however immensely glad to hear that it is still readable and interesting *Phew!*
It's interesting you note the Too-many-names-and-terms issue. At times I have wondered if my story beginning lacked enough fantasy cred in regards to that very thing. However I have realized that—for me—I want to focus on compelling characters; and to get inside their heads. So I am happy with the result in that regard and hope it maintains the same tone throughout.
I do shift viewpoints throughout, though there is a central character of course. I've tried (hopefully successfuly) to make the transition smooth/obvious each time and there are moments where I shift to a 3rd Person Omnipotent narrative.
I'm debating (as noted) about including another chapter or two. It seems most sensible to include the next chapter or two, but it also seems too obvious. Am I over-thinking this?
Always always always "dive into the character and story," unless those things aren't your main focus (which is only seldom the case in our genre). Don't junk the preface entirely, because it's valuable info, but it's definitely more of a "blurb" than anything else. That actually works in your favor, since now you don't have to agonize over writing one.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I never read with grammar/punctuation in mind unless the text has so many errors that it is hard to eke out what the author is saying. At that point, I give up. Yours is fine, could use a proofread or two, but like I said all of that is easily fixed (more easily fixed than plot and character issues, anyway).
This statement, I want to focus on compelling characters and to get inside their heads, is what will make your writing fantastic. Keep that as your mantra, and you will continue to succeed.
The viewpoint thing, I think, works. Probably because you make it clear that you're head-hopping, it keeps the reader from getting lost. The best author I've seen do this (without a full chapter/scene break) is David Gemmell. Not sure how familiar you are with his work, but I'd recommend checking out his novel "Waylander" for a good reference of how well he's able to pull it off. You're fine, though, so long as you keep in mind that the reader can get easily confused by an omnipotent perspective.
As far as adding more chapters, if you posted them I would read them, but you may want to hold off to get more of a response on this part. Totally up to you, since I'm just one voice (hopefully) among many. Of course, you could always send me a portion privately to read & critique, if you did just want my thoughts.
Thanks again T.D. for the notes. I did actually move the blurb. Your notes were in harmony with some of my thoughts so I put it in the post for now instead.
ReplyDeleteThis is the 2nd draft, I plan to do another before sending it out to some Beta readers. So any grammar-weirdness should get rectified by then—hopefully. After my next draft I may include some more chapters, I think I still need to tidy up some before posting/sharing.
Thanks for the book recommendation, I hadn't read it yet, so I'll have to check it out one day.
One thing that any potential agent would kill you on is that you shift tenses sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ted, yes I know. As much as I like the prologue, it was frustrating because I found myself doing that. I started the prologue in present, then went later to past and I may have gone back and forth a little before shifting to past. The rest of the story is definitely past tense. Don't know why I wanted present for the prologue - it was subconscious at first - but when I tried to revise it out, I found it difficult to do entirely. Definitely something I need to work on before calling it Done.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting.
Argh, shifting tenses. God knows I've had my bouts with that same thing over and over. But yes, a proofread and good round of edits should take care of most of that type of thing. One thing that also helped me was reading it aloud (while I recorded it for podiobooks.com) because I caught quite a few of my own odd sentences. Then, of course, much later it went through Trapdoor's official copyeditor who found a ton more mistakes (as they are wont to do) ... so I wouldn't obsess too much over it. They will happen.
ReplyDeleteReading aloud caught a lot for me, too, but even better was spending $11 to 'publish' my book on LuLu.com and edit it while reading it like a real book. It's amazing how much more you see that way.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the out-loud method. I certainly need to do that for Hammerblood.
ReplyDeleteTed, you have an interesting thought with that. Potentially expensive if you start early in the drafts I'm sure—but interesting.
So I know what Todd's worked on, but what are you working on currently Ted?
Yeah, I would wait for LuLu until you have a pretty solid draft.
ReplyDeleteI am mentally writing my second novel (sci-fi) and have it pretty well laid out. I did the same with my first - all in my head such that a buddy was floored when I spent two hours telling him all the nuances of my story. When I wrote it, it came out pretty much as I said it would.
For actual work right now I continue to edit my first novel. I think it is good, but I have trouble judging my own work. I have to incorporate my new prologue into the rest of the story.
Interesting, are you on the Absolute Write forums? I remember reading about another person that did the same thing. Though they spent a good deal longer (it sounded) mentally composing it and as of my reading of the thread (a while back) they had not yet put it to paper. Thus causing extreme doubt on my part as to whether they could have pulled it off or not.
ReplyDeleteWell, we all work differently. I know I have to put it to paper and rework it there.
I think for writing we have to do it for ourselves. Because you are guaranteed to show your work to some people and have them hate it—no matter how good it appears to others. So as long as you like it, that's the first step, all the rest is up to luck and persistence.
I first found the link to you on AW. I go by knight_tour there.
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly right about having to write for our own interests. There will always be people who will hate what we write, no matter how good we get. It's disappointing, but nothing we can do about it.
Ok, so maybe you are that very individual. I can't coneive of writing that way, but it sounds like it works for you.
ReplyDeleteI only hope I can make enough money to do this full time. Hatred from some matters not, if the process leads to a steady living accomplished doing something I love.
I enjoyed the imagery. Felt dark, swirling.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I connected with the characters, but I enjoyed the picture you are painting.
"faster than should have been possible" Screams for a simile. Only... to find the right one.
Your writing is really good in places and then plain in others. Get rid of "looked", "dangerous", those sort of weak words. Your writing is good enough that those sort of weak words stand out.
Couple of grammar mistakes and some switching of tense, but those are easy to clean up later.
I would like to read the first chapter sometime and to see how you deal with POV.
Good job, keep it up.
Thanks for the notes, Steve. I'll keep them in mind. Grammar is going to be one of my biggest challenges. Cursed semicolons and commas. Once the 3rd draft is done, I'll probably share the next chapter on the blog. Maybe sooner. That's when we join our main characters.
ReplyDelete